Movies They Can't Do Together!
by kazumiXheartless
Summary: Their back and now tackling a bigger thing. Movies!
1. Blue pill or Red pill

Movies They Can't Do Together

The Matrixs

Damon: ...What do we have here? *Looks around and notices that he sitting behind a desk* Not my type of thing.

(Phone rings)

Damon: *Picks it up* This is your mother's house, she's on her knees now, can I take a message?

…: You don't have much time. Fine Morpheus, he'll tell you about the Matrixs.

Damon: Is that a cereal?

…: No.

Damon: Is this Katherine?

…: Find Morpheus before _they _come!

Damon: I know this voice. It's Katherine, cause Elena has a slightly sexier voice .

…: BITCH! FIND MORPHEUS OR I'LL...

Damon: *Hangs up the phone* Stupid bitch didn't have to yell.

Stefan: Hello, Mr. Salvatore.

Damon: Stefan, nice suit. Why Chi always give you the good parts?

Stefan # 2: Hello, Mr. Salvatore.

Stefan # 3: Hello, Mr. Salvatore.

Damon: *Blinks a few times* Fuck it. *Jumps over the Stefans and runs*

Stefan: Capture him

Damon: *Grabs a girl and throws it at Stefan # 2*

Stefan: …

Elena: DAMON! OVER HERE! *Waves both hands in the air*

Damon: Elena! I'm so happy to see you, there are three Edwards chasing after me and I heard grab his dick, and I'm like hell no. So I'm here.

Elena: I'm so happy to see you too. *Hugs Damon*

Damon: Hahaha, no. Pam told me no more brunettes and use a condom for humans and blah de blah, blah. I don't ever listen but...what was I talking about?

Elena: Damon. *Holds tighter*

Damon: ...When did you get so strong?

Elena: …

Damon: Okay. I don't like clingy women Elena.

Elena: Hello...

Damon: *Sighs* Shit.

Elena: Mr. Salvatore. *Turns into Stefan*

Damon: I would clap but you're hugging arms off.

Stefan: Time to go.

Damon: But you forgot, dear brother...I'm a vampire! *Tries to break out of Stefan's grip but fails* A...wwwhhaaattt.

Stefan: Let's go.

Damon: If that's a boner touching me you're dead asshole.

* * *

Damon: Why am I here?! I haven't done anything...yet. I shouldn't be blamed for something I haven't done yet!

Stefan: *Shakes head then leaves the room*

Damon: Aditca! Aditca! I will piss on this table you bastard!

Bonnie: …

Damon: Don't look at me like that cause you would do the same thing.

Bonnie: No...no I wouldn't.

Damon: Don't knock it till you try it.

Bonnie: …*Clears throat* I'm Morpheus. Blah, blah, Matrix, blah, blah Red or blue pill.

Damon: You're a girl.

Bonnie: *Sighs* Yes. Why do everyone think Morpheus is a guy!

Damon: Because you got a sex change when you were a baby but they already had your name on the certificate and couldn't change it.

Bonnie: …*Flips him off* Dick.

Damon: Classy.

Bonnie: Choose the blue pill for a normal life or the red pill to truly know what the Matrix is.

Damon: Do I get the black leather jacket and the sunglasses?

Bonnie: Yes.

Damon: Blue.

Bonnie: WHAT!

Damon: Normal life here I come. Cause I'm not jumping into other people's shit.

Bonnie: *Twitch* Here! *Forces the blue pill down his throat*

Damon: *Coughs* You're a bitch here too?

Bonnie: *Rolls eyes*

Damon: Wait, why is everything going dark?

Bonnie: You'll see.

* * *

Bonnie: You sure this was the right guy?

Alice: I have no idea.

Damon: *Hits everything with a bat* Teaches you to pillception me bitch!

Katherine: Idiot.

Alice: Can we get him to do that outside? To fight off thee Stefans?

Eric: I got it. *Walks over to Damon*

Damon: Don't touch me bitch!

Bonnie: Still think we should have went after the Keanu Reeves look alike.

Alice: Yeah, like that would happen.

* * *

Damon: Hey! You said Kate Upton was here!

Stefan: Hello Mr. Salvatore.

(A whole bunch of Stefans behind him)

Damon: *Looks at the bat in his hand* You guys make this too easy!

* * *

Damon: And that's how the movie ends.

No. What about the other two.

Damon: Fuck that. I killed all the Stefan's...

Stefan: …

Damon: Expect one.

I still don't think that's how the movie started and ended.

Damon: Pfft. Deal with it princes. So what's with the M rating?

To give reviews more freedom.

Stefan: Where is everyone else?

They'll be back on the next chapter but this is you guys time.

Stefan & Damon: I don't want to see his face!

Well you guys suck. Can you read this? *Holds out a paper*

Damon: *Grabs paper* We're here, and movies beware because...you don't pay me enough to read these.

Can you finish?

Damon: Bite me.

Stefan: I need a drink!

Movies beware because we're messing with you too!

Stefan: Did someone steal my pants?

Are you drunk?

Stefan: No.

Me & Damon: …

Stefan: Yes, god! You guys are annoying!

*Shake head* Well thanks for reading and thanks for future reviews. Also I want to thank Rogue Assasin for the Matrixs idea. So peace!

Damon: I want some cash.

You have your own!

Damon: But I want to spend your stuff.

Stefan: Why is Kung fu panda here?

O.o? Are you talking about my dog?

Cookie: *Wondering around*

Stefan: Oh my god he's so small.

Cookie's a girl.

Stefan: Oh Po, you have a big belly.

Damon: Just end it before he starts talking again.

Bye guys.

Stefan: You know who he sounds like?

Damon: Who?

Stefan: That fat guy from that one movie.

…*Sighs*

Damon: Jack Black?

Stefan: OH MY GOD. YOU READ MINDS!

Damon: ...No more booze for you.

He's the cute drunk!

Stefan: *Throws up*

Damon: Cute huh? Stupid.


	2. Spider Damon!

Movies They can't do together!

Spiderman!

Damon: Which one is this?

Stefan: It's the first one.

Damon: ...You sure?

Stefan: Look at the damn title. Spiderman. Not The Amazing Spiderman.

Damon: Either way they both sucked. I mean white stuff that cums out of his wrist. Get it. See what I did there. Cums.

Stefan: *Sighs* Yes.

Mary Jane: Hi!

Damon: *Licks lips* Hey. *Whispers to Stefan* I would tap that.

Stefan: *Mumbles under his breath* Walking STD.

Teacher: Will you two pay attention?

Damon: Pay more attention to your wife and she would be blowing me anymore.

Teacher: SHUT UP YOU LITTLE RAT BASTARD! LEAVE MY WIFE AND MY MOTHER ALONE! MY WIFE CHEATING ON ME IS ONE THING BUT IN MY BED WITH MY MOTHER TOO!

Stefan: *Eyes widen* You didn't.

Damon: Both of them are freaks.

Stefan: A... Damon?

Damon: What?

Stefan: There's a spider on your shoulder.

Damon: Stefan I'm a vampire. What would a tiny little spider gonna do?

Stefan: It could bite you.

Damon: No, all it's going to do is...*Gets bit and falls to the floor*

Stefan: *Stands over Damon* I told you so.

Damon: That's why...you're...Harry...*Passes out*

* * *

Damon: *Wakes up*

Stefan: Feel any different?

Damon: Yeah. Sticky. Did you do anything to me in my sleep you sick fuck?

Stefan: Not even in your dreams. Or Chi's dreams.

* * *

Aww!

* * *

Damon: Good because I think my hands had a wet dream.

Stefan: This is just...just gross. Find a costume, enter a cage fight, chase a guy, and watch him kill uncle blah blah, and kill the guy who kill your uncle, and become a crime fighter while you yonder for your first love that is suppose to be your second love after your first love gets kill but no one really gives a shit...

Damon: One, I don't do costume and two I already ate the aunt and uncle. But I like the crime fighting bit. I save life while taking lives.

Stefan: What did I do? *Slaps forehead*

Damon: I wonder if I jacked off will I make webs?

Stefan: …*Leave the room*

Damon: You know. You die in the third movie!

* * *

Lady: Oh, I'm walking down the street with my purse full of money that I got from the atm.

Thug: Give me your bag!

Lady: OH NO!

Thug: That's right.

Lady: *Punches the thug in the face* Nice try jackass. *Kicks him*

Damon: *Boredly* I'm here.

Lady: It's okay. I got my bag sir. But good try sir, good try.

Thug: You fucking bitch! *Rubs his nose* Look. I'm bleeding!

Damon: Oh no. He's getting up and about to assault you again.

Thug: No I'm not getting her purse. I'm going home.

Damon: *Picks up the Thug by his shoulders* Oh no. He is attacking me as well.

Lady: …

Thug: Hey asshole put me down!

Damon: *Bites his neck and tears out his throat* Oh no. He died.

Lady: *Gasp* O.O!

Damon: *Licks lips* Oh my, the lady died too!

Lady: *Tries to run*

Damon: You should have left while you can.

* * *

Damon: *Swinging in the sky* This is pretty awesome! I can turn into a bird but this is a good second.

Random guy: *Flying besides Damon* Deadmansayswhat?

Damon: What? *Get's slammed into a building*

Random guy: *Flys into a building and lands on the floor* Hello, Spider brat.

Damon: *Slowly gets up and wipes off his jacket* Hey! I'm older than you.

Random guy: No you're not.

Damon: What year were you born?

Random guy: Does that really matter?

Damon: Just tell me what year were you born?

Random guy: 1962?

Damon: I'm older than you.

Random guy: How is that...know what I don't care I'm going kill you Spiderman!

Damon: It's spider Damon.

Random guy: ...What?

Damon: Spiderman sounds stupid, like a kid made it up and I'm a man.

Random guy: *Tilts his head* I'm just going to kill you!

Damon: Heads up!

Random guy: Huh?

Damon: *Shoots webs from his wrist and watches the guy fly back hitting the wall*

Random guy: AHHH!

Damon: Doesn't feel good, does it? *Looks over* Oohh. A glider.

Random guy: Don't touch that.

Damon: *Picks up a ball* This looks promising. *Presses a button on top of the ball*

Ball: *Starts flashing*

Damon: *Smirk*

Random guy: Hey! I'm the green goblin!

Damon: ...The Green Lantern what are you doing here? This is a Marvel film.

Random guy: I'm the Green Goblin.

Damon: You should call yourself the Red Lantern. *Walks over to him*

Random guy: I'm the Green...*Damon stuffs the ball in his mouth*

Damon: *Smirks* No you're the Red Splatter now.

Random Guy: O.o?

Damon: Good luck. *Jumps out the windows and swings away*

*Building explodes badass like*

* * *

Damon: I was saving lives. What were you doing, playing with yourself?

Stefan: You kill half of New York and Canada! What has Canada done to you?! *Holds up newspaper*

Damon: *Looks at the newspaper* That's a cool picture of me.

Stefan: Yeah? Of you chasing the photographer with your fangs out only to lure him in your web, then take pictures of the dead body?

Damon: Yeah, so?

Stefan: You're poising with his corpse!

Damon: Take the stick out of your ass and have fun with me. You're such a Steffie downer.

Stefan: …

Damon: Since you're being an ass about it I thought about you for once. *Holds up a cage full of spiders* I don't know which one gave me my powers but we'll figure it out.

Stefan: Come over here and I'll karate chop you in the dick!

Damon: BITCH I CAN FLY! *Shoot webs and flys off*

Stefan: I'm not dealing with two more movies of this.

* * *

So this is all of Spiderman?

Damon: Most fun I had in any of these?

Stefan: He's so crude.

*Shakes head* Where was Mary Jane?

Damon: *Shrugs* Don't know. Don't care.

Katherine: *Blows a kiss* I'm back bitches!

Pam: God, why?

Damon: Can't we just do this in moderation? How about two different people a week or none...at all.

Katherine: I can castrate you and not have to care since we're on Mature.

Pam: Put...the sword...down.

Katherine: It's not a sword. It's a chocolate dildo.

*Throws up a little*

Damon: Too much info.

Stefan: Shouldn't we start the show?

Yeah. I want to keep my food in my stomach!

Katherine: Do you want to know what I would do with this?

Dean: Are you always like this when we're gone.

Damon: Two people! Pam and Katherine count as two people! Can you do math?! Do I have to fuck that into your brain!

…*Hides behind Dean*

Damon: He won't always be there to hide behind.

Katherine: *Picks up a vest and throws it to the ground* DON'T YOU IGNORE ME!

Dean: Did someone here that?

Damon: I think I hear an angry possessed blow up doll.

Katherine: *Twitch* The possibilities are endless.

Sam: Still crazy.

Yep.

Rogue Assasin: Wooooohooooo you're back yayness! *Rogue and Charity hug each other and jump up and down*

YAY!

Rogue: Matrixs was awesome Damon makes a better Neo.

Damon: I know right.

Dean: I could have done better. I'm like Neo but with supernatural creatures...

Damon: And incest love.

Dean: *Pulls out a revolver* I'm ready now.

Damon: If you point that be ready to die!

Guys!

Pam: I'll deal with it. Damon!

Damon: What?

Pam: *Flash her boobs*

Damon: Yeah!

Rogue: Now how about Men in black :D Damon could be Jay and Stefan Kay and Edward could be that Morgue chick from the first movie LOL or we could do a classic like Gone with the wind... I am so getting to understand the beauty of Yaoi... Damon can be Rhett and Stefan Scarlett :D

Damon: The first one I like the second one is just...just really, really horrible.

Stefan: I'm not wearing a dress get Katherine to do it.

Damon: I whether take Sam than deal with that chocolate crazed bitch.

Sam: Oh no. I'm not in the middle of this. Dean you take it.

Dean: I'm no man's bottom! Chi!

I'm a girl.

Damon: Just throw in a strap on and trap down your boob and you're good to go.

Rogue: Yaoi! All she'd be doing is crossdressing with a strap on.

Damon: Still better than what I was thinking with a teddy bear.

Everyone: ...

Rogue: I've missed your crazy!

Stefan: I didn't.

Rogue: Go sit in a corner!

Stefan: No.

Rogue: *Evil eye*

Stefan: *Mumbles and sits in the corner*

Rogue: Anyway got to run there's work and Dancing with Darkness and Liar Liar and Stamon Talks that I'm working on at the same time - think I bit off more than I can chew though anyway wish me luck!

Good luck on your stories and work!

Shac89: Hello this was funny you should do the first Spiderman movie !

Damon: We just did! Booya!

Katherine: Don't do that...ever.

Damon: Whatever. I liked it.

Vie: Hi guys!

Everyone: Hello!

Vie: Love it, Bonnie as Morph..whatever his name was is too funny! Your next movie should be The Covenant, Chronicle, Honey 2 or Roll Bounce! Hell use all of them at some point!

Love you guys!

Yay! For more ideas. I'll probably to Chronicle because I love that movie but I'll do all the movies I can! Woohh!

Sam: Well I hope I have nothing to do with it.

Dean: You just shot your own foot.

*Evil smile*

Damon: Don't even do it.

I will. :)! Yay.

Damon: *Holds up a knife* …

I'm sorry.

Katherine: Pussy.

*Sighs* Well the show is over and I hope you enjoy it! I want to thank Rogue Assasin, Shac89 *For Spiderman idea*, and Vie for reviewing. And thank you guys for reading. Also I want to say a Happy Birthday to my Little sister, Tiffany, for having her birthday on the end of the world. Yay! Peace!

Pam: Love. Don't kick that puppy Katherine.

Cookie!

Katherine: Snatch.

Pam: Bring it on!

Katherine: I got a didlo bat and I'm not afraid to use it.

Sam: Time to go!

Bye.

Sam: Why are you waving it at me. I didn't do anything!

Katherine: *Smirks* Let's have some fun!

Sam: *Runs*

Katherine: *Chases him*

Dean: Bye guys!

* * *

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

Damon: A restraining order. What?

Len and Rin Kagamine kinda placed a restraining order on me. I can't even go to Japan.

Damon: Why did I ask?

But I love them!

Bonnie: On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

Katherine: Two lesbians. Give it up Bonne, everyone knows you want to eat Elena's carpet.

Bonnie: ...Does anyone have a toothbrush I can make a shank with?

Damon: A restraining order!

Sam: On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

Seth: Three dead birds.

Alice: Seth! I said three turkeys that you put in the freezer!

Seth: I did but Leah found some turkeys and killed them herself.

Everyone: …

Leah: I didn't poison them...this time.

Katherine: Bonnie wants to bone Elena.

Damon: And a restraining order.

Dean: On the four day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

Alice: Four cell phone numbers in your boyfriends pockets.

Jasper: I said I was sorry!

Seth: Three poison turkeys.

Leah: *Growls*

Katherine: Just get on it.

Elena: Bonnie why are you sharpening a toothbrush?

Bonnie: Payback. Of death.

Damon: …

On the five day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

Bella: Five Twilight movies! Yeah! Making fun of us but we beat you bitches! We beat you!

Edward: ...Calm down.

Bella: Fuck that. I'm putting to middle fingers in the air! Fuck this show!

Damon: Calm down Lil' Kim before you get shanked with a toothbrush.

Bonnie: Get your own!

Alice: Four cell phone numbers.

Seth: Three poison birds.

Katherine: I mean she right here.

Damon: I love this.

Stefan:On the six day of Christmas my true love gave to me!

Elena: Six crazy toads.

Caroline: What the hell is that?

Elena: They just followed me here?

Pam: Should kill them?

But Peta will protest naked on my lawn and I really don't want my neighbors to think I'm too weird.

Bella: We passed that stage already.

On the seventh day of Christmas...

Bella: I wasn't done!

ON THE SEVENTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME!

Bella: Too sensitive.

Bonnie: Seven revenge blows.

Katherine: Let's play.

Bonnie: *Stabs Katherine*

Katherine: ...This bitch stab me.

Bonnie: And that's just one.

Stefan: She dipped it in silver..

Elena: Six crazy...

Katherine: NO! This bitch stab me. All hell is going to break loose.

Bonnie: I'm ready. *Tackled Katherine*

Guys! We have a song to finish...*Gets hit with a chair*

Dean:Happy Holidays my foot. *Drinks whiskey*

Caroline: I think we should end it here.

Katherine: Come here witchy, witchy! I'm going to rip your head off!

Bonnie: I got three more stabs and your boobs don't satisfy me enough! *Wipes of blood from cheek*

Eric: *Walks into the room and looks around* What did I miss

Ow!...Bye guys.

Damon: Ten bucks on the crazy vampire.

Stefan: Twenty on Bonnie. She looks like she has pent up anger.

Elena & Caroline: *Sighs*

Have a good New year too!

Katherine: She won't make it to the new year!

Bonnie: Haha! Your head will be on a platter.


	3. Dangers of licking a crystal

Movies They Can't Do Together!

Chronicles!

*In a car*

Damon: Turn off the camera Edward!

Edward: *Holds up camera* Didn't you say that you wanted your face on camera?

Damon: I also said that I wanted a pair of tits in my face, you gonna whip out a pair?

Edward: *Laughs* So where is Stefan? I thought he was going to be riding with you?

Damon: *Grips the steering wheel* Probably getting a blowjob in the men's bathroom. Or giving one, give or take.

Edward: Damon! You're so gross.

Damon: This is my car and I can say what ever I want in this car. Bitch. Slut. Blowjob. Blowjob. Blowjob. When you get a car you can say whatever you want cousin.

Edward: *Leans against the seat* I probably never get one. Ever since mom got sick...

Damon: Yah, yah, same song and dance. *Sighs* I should have picked up that blonde chick. Show you what a man would do.

Edward: Right? And what about Elena?

Damon: Just shut up.

Edward: Ha.

* * *

Damon: Me? Being nice to my fairy like brother's twin.

Edward: *Holds up arms* I'm over here! So bring it bitch!

Damon: *Throws a desk*

Edward: *Dodges* Your aim sucks.

Damon be nice.

Damon: You are not my mom. I can't suck my mom.

*Facepalm* We're trying something a little different this chapter so go along with it.

Damon: Why is Edward here instead of Stefan?

Just calm down and you'll see.

Damon: Bi...*Gets hit with s desk*

Edward: Yeah bitch I didn't miss my aim. What's your excuse?

Damon: I'M GOING TO WEAR YOUR SKIN! *Chases Edward*

And this is what I have to live with.

* * *

Edward: *Points the camera to himself* After a day in hell, aka school, Damon kidnapped me to this. *Points the camera at the surrounds*

Girl 1: I think my boobs are talking.

Girl 2: I just think you're drunk.

Boobs: You fools! First I will conquer this slutty redhead and then the world! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Girl 1: ...

Girl 2: Maybe you should get them checked out.

Girl 1: After I screw someone. WOO!

Boobs: The day will come mortals!

Edward: *Points the camera back at himself* See what I mean.

Dean: Hey.

Edward: Um, hey?

Dean: Does that camera come with a light?

Edward: Yeah but my mom told me not to talk to strangers. Something about them trying to take my goodies.

Dean: Ha, ha, cute. Now come with me, Damon and Stefan are waiting in the woods.

Edward: What?

Dean: Come on! *Runs towards the woods*

Edward: You are not going to rape me are you?

Dean: Just come on!

Edward: *Turns the camera lights on and follows Dean* I like my butt hold to stay the same size.

* * *

Stefan: Good. I thought I had to stay with this asshole longer.

Damon: Hey! The potty mouth thing is mine, find your own thing.

Stefan: Jackass.

Damon: Pussy.

Stefan: Asshole.

Damon: Your mom!

Stefan: We have the same mom!

Damon: So you say!

Dean: Guys! *Clap* Who's going in the hole first?

Damon: I'll go!

Stefan and Dean: That's a first.

Damon: *Pushes Stefan in the hole* After Stefan.

Edward: Ah! Stefan you okay?!

Stefan: *Yells back* It's okay! It's just tight and dark here. Kinda smells.

Damon: Too easy.

Stefan: *Yells* Like your girlfriend!

Damon: That's it! Give me your camera!

Edward: *Sighs and hands over the camera* Don't break it.

Damon: *Takes the camera and jumps down the hole*

Dean: *Shrugs and jumps down the hole*

Edward: Guys. Guys? Don't die I still need a ride home after this.

Dean: *Yells* Stop hitting him with the camera!

Damon: Bitch desevered it!

Edward: *Jumps into the hole*

Dean: It's hot down here.

Edward: Please give me back my camera!

Damon: I can't. It's covered in blood. I think I killed my brother...oh well.

Stefan: *Twitch* I'm still here!

Damon: Should have kept swinging.

Dean: Hey, you see that?

*Looks forwards and sees a large crystal*

Damon: Let's lick it.

Stefan: It there nothing you put in your mouth!

Damon: Hot dogs and anything that's shaped like 'em.

Stefan: Well that's not much of a surprise. Well you...

Damon: *Licks the crystal* Ew! Taste like dog crap.

Stefan: I don't even want to know that.

Dean: *Laughs* I can't believe you licked that.

Damon: Wasn't the smartest thing to do. *Spits* Yuck.

Edward: We should really get home. I have a bad feeling about this.

*Crystal turns red*

Damon: If we shoved this up Stefan's ass will he glow red too?

Stefan: Haha. Funny, hope you die choking on a tit.

Damon: It's the best way to die.

Edward: Hey...hey guys! You're nose...

Dean: Shit their bleeding!

Damon: Haha Stefan started his period! *Wipes his face and sees blood in his hand* ...

Stefan: Shit we're all bleeding.

Edward: Why me! I didn't touch the thing!

Dean: Maybe it's its version of a rape whistle.

Edward: Why did you have to lick it?!

Damon: It looked inviting.

Stefan: *Slaps forehead*

*Crystal makes an ear piercing sound*

Damon: *Holds ears* FUCK!

Everyone else: *Holds ears*

Stefan & Dean: IF I DIE I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!

Damon: GET IN LINE BITCHES!

Edward: SHIT! *Falls over*

Stefan: *Falls over*

Damon: Stef- *Falls over*

Dean: ...*Falls over*

* * *

Damon: Bring the camera over here!

Edward: Fine. Be careful with it.

Dean: To think that I had to pay for it. *Twitch* *Twitch*

Damon: And I told you that I would pay you back after your mom pays me.

Dean: *Waves a hand in the air*

Damon: *Flys backwards and crashes into a bush*

Stefan: You were too easy on him.

Dean: Should have been a car. *Wipes his bleeding nose*

Edward: *Laughs*

Dean: Why don't you do something on camera? Stop acting like a stalker and show your stuff!

Edward: Hm.

Stefan: *Takes the camera out of Edward's hands* Let's go.

Damon: You think you bitches would have finished me off when you had the chance. *Snaps twitch*

Dean & Stefan: *Flys up in the air*

Edward: Not the camera! *Holds his hands out and makes the camera float to him* Man that was a close one.

Damon: I think we should train some more. Something about flexing our mind muscle to keep letting crimson flowing though our noses and junk.

Dean: *Kicks Damon in the back* You ass wipe!

* * *

Edward: Damon.

Damon: What?

Edward: Stealing a car is not apart of training.

Damon: I'm not letting these things in my car.

Stefan: Good because it smelled like shit anyways.

Damon: ...*Hits the breaks*

Stefan: *Hits his head on Edward's seat*

Dean: Told you to wear a seat belt.

Damon: Didn't need my powers for that huh?

Edward: Hey guys. Watch this. *Looks at the car passing Damon's car and waves his hand*

Everyone: *Watches the car crash into the riverbank*

Damon: Good job!

Dean: DAMON!

Damon: *Stops the car*

Dean & Stefan: *Jumps out the car to save the man*

Damon: I'm so proud of you but don't do it in front of the Gospel bunch. Kay.

Edward: Fine.

Dean: OH NO STEFAN IS DROWNING!

Damon: *Slowly shakes head* Bunch of Fucking idiots.

* * *

Edward: Die Damon! *Throws a bus at him*

Damon: *Dodges* Whoa! Wasn't we just in a car a few minutes ago?

Edward: What? We was at school doing a magic show, I puke on a girl while I was getting a blowjob, I kinda killed Dean...

Damon: Really? Stefan must had been close by.

Edward: MY MOM DIED AFTER I TRIED TO GET THE MONEY AND ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL, and I tried to kill my dad but you saved him you bastard.

Damon: ...Really? That doesn't sound like me at all.

Edward: And you're not going to stop me!

Damon: Pfft why should I? I'm about to go home and get a drink. Have fun.

Edward: ?

Damon: Peace.*Flys away*

Stefan: Stop Edward. Don't kill everyone.

Edward: ...I'm really annoyed. *Twitch*

Damon: Hum. I'll stay. *Holds up a bottle of wine* Kick his ass Edward!

Stefan: ... I hate you. Asshole.

Edward: Hello. I'm right here.

Damon: Wait. Set his hair on fire and it will be more entertaining.

Stefan: *Twitch*

Edward: *Throws a bus at the two* Annoying.

Damon & Stefan: *Throws the bus back* STAY OUT OF THIS!

Edward: *Flys in the air*

Damon: Come back here. Throwing a bus at me once is bad enough but twice. You're dead.

Stefan: He killed Dean!

Damon: Screw Dean! Hope he's watching this from hell!

Stefan: ...

...: Badaboom! *Masked guy knocks all three of them out of the sky*

Damon: Shit. *Looks up and cringe*

Police: Stay on the ground. *Pulls out a gun*

Damon: *Waves he's hand, tossing the cop to the side*

Stefan: *Jumps up* Who in the hell is that?

Edward: Don't know but they are pissing me off.

...: Think you have forgotten me.

Damon: Forgotten you. I don't even know you.

...: You out of everyone here should remember me.

Damon: Are you my mom?

...: No.

Damon: Are you Elena? Bonnie? Or Pam?

...: *Twitch* No.

Damon: Then I choose not to remember you.

...: ...I hate you.

Stefan: What you do to piss this one off?

Damon: Do you remember every bug you kill?

Stefan: No but how is this the same...

Damon: It's exactly the same.

Edward: *Get up* How dare you attack me while I was getting revenge!

Damon: Why are we talking to this person? We should leave, mess with a few monk, drop off Stefan's body in a volcano.

Stefan: ...

...: You insolent fools! How dare you ignore me! *Lifts up shirt* Your death is here!

Everyone:...

* * *

Kid in building: Are those a pair of boobs?

Mom in building: Close your eyes son.

Dad in building: They are so...perky. Something your mom hasn't had in...

Mom in building: *Hits him in the head with a frying pan*Close your eyes son. *Smiles*

Kid in building: O.O.

* * *

Edward:Wow.

Stefan: You're kidding me.

Damon: Does those nipples have mouths to talk. I mean a talk vagaina is funny but this...this is just sad.

Boobs: Here I go.

Girl 1: Where am I?

Boobs: In a tanning bed just go back to sleep.

Girl 1: Fine.

Boobs: Haha! *Gets hit with a pole*

Stefan: DAMON! THERE'S A INNOCENT GIRL ATTACHED TO THEM!

Damon: And I'm suppose to care. *Throws another one*

Boobs: *Catches it and throws it back*

Damon: *Catches it and throws the sharp end*

Boobs: *Dodges it*

Edward: Wasn't this suppose to be my story?

Damon: Nope. *Flys in the air*

Stefan: Let's go, we'll deal with everything else when we're done.

Edward: Sure why not.

* * *

Girl 1: MAH! BOOBS!

Damon: No need to thank us. *Holding boob implants in each hand*

Girl 1: *Coughs up blood*

Stefan: She's dying.

Damon: We did a good job being heros and stuff.

Girl 1: *Falls over and gags*

Damon: Haha, let's get the fuck out here before more cops show up.

Edward: Too late. Let's just blast right through them.

Damon: I guess I'm rubbing off on you.

Stefan: The last thing we need is another one.

Damon: There can only be one!

Edward: *Smirks* Let's get the party started.

Stefan: *Sighs*

* * *

Damon: We killed all the cops and we went to Tahiti and threw monks off mountains and stuff.

...Wow.

Edward: Pfft He buried me in snow.

Damon: Can't throw buses at me without punishment bitches.

Stefan: *Holds a ice pack to his head*

Insanity: I've could have done better.

Um...

Insanity: *Smiles*

He's so cute but I can sense a lot of madness behind that.

Dean: The first movie thing I'm in and I die.

You could have been a killer in a remake...or was that a reboot.

Dean: Hey! Sam did one too.

Sam: At least mines was bareable to watch.

Damon: ...Sure it was. *Rolls eyes*

Let's start the show.

Pam: Good. The last thing I need to hear is psycho babble.

Haha, okay!

blackNdeadly: Oh my god it's been ages since I have exploited your minds with my crazy Aussie mind. Having fun so far Damon?

Damon: It sucks.

*Shakes head*

blackNdeadly: How would it feel if you were blue, and you lived in a far away world and you to teach a soldier the ways of your people...that's right Bitches...Avatar!

Damon: *Looks over at Stefan* Please don't let him be the big blue cat like chick with the small tits.

Edward: Aw, my brain! It can't get the image out!

Insanity: ...Disgusting.

Stefan: Now picture it to be Damon.

Everyone: ...EW!

Insanity: I want to kill something...now!

Kill the little pink bunny that's on the couch.

Insanity: Kill Cookie. Okay. *Chases after Cookie*

Stay away from my baby! *Runs after Insanity*

blackNdeadly: What about James Bond? Imagine you as James Bond...now there are many Australian Movies but Priscilla, Queen of the Desert is the movie on my mind at the moment (it's a gay film but hilarious!) and imagine you Damon is a little hobbit! Or Gollum...

Damon: James Bond yes, but Gollum? I'm too sexy for that. Ew.

blackNdeadly: Goodbye My Prrrrreeeeciiiooouusss!

*Jumps on Insanity's back* YOU CAN'T KILL COOKIE! SHE SATAN'S DOG, I HAVE TO RETURN HER WHEN I DIE. like the contract says.

Insanity: COOL. *Holds up two swords* Let's see if she's worth your soul.

*Jumps off his back* Okay, I tried to save you dude.

Pam: A demon dog?

I have an angelic dog named precious, both are cute.

Pam: *Shakes head* I'm not really into mutts but if that's what you're into then fine.

Shac89: That was awesome oh you can also do Jason X and bring back insanity.

He's back. *Points at Insanity*

Insanity: *Chases Cookie*

Cookie: *Enjoying it*

*Sighs* I think he's mad at me.

Damon: Why, I thought you controlled him?

I...kinda left him in a cage...for a month.

Stefan & Edward: *Shakes head*

He's alive isn't he! He'll get over it...right?

Pam: I doubt it.

Man! *Sighs*

Rogue Assasin: Hey Peeps Spider Damon was awesome waaaay better that Toby what's his face.

Damon: I knew I was awesome. Someone should make Spider Damon fanfic...*Looks over at me*

Huh? I wasn't listening.

Damon: I will destroy you!

Rogue: I've been watching Fairy Tail recently and I think I'm a little obsessed with Virgo so *Rogue puts pink wig on Charity and forces her to wear french maid costume*

Charity: *Blushes*

Damon: *Whistles*

Dean: I wonder if that comes in Sam's size.

Eric: I want to shove Damon and Stefan into maid costumes.

Damon: Haha, come over here and try it.

Eric: You know you can't beat me.

Damon: Yeah let's see!

Rogue: Now read the cards Chi A Pet *Grins sadistically*

Charity: *Stuttering* Is-is- Is it t-t-time for p-p-p-punishment Master?

Rogue: Good girl (whacks Charity's bottom with Twilight)

Bella: Hey!

Rogue: Say one more word and you die! Charity?

Bella: *Mumbles under her breath* You're not my mother.

Charity: Not twilight anything but twilight my bottom will get sparkly!

Rogue: You have earned 50 shots with Breaking Dawn and they will be dealt by Pam

Pam: Yippee... can I have gloves so my hands don't get sparkly.

Edward: Stop dissing us.

Rogue: *Uses chainsaw to cut off Edward's head and then chases Bella with it."

Bella: NOOOOOOOOOO! GROSSSS!

Charity: Wow.

Rogue: Hey Chi I think you should do the Avengers next that would be so cool and it could star everyone! Dean - Captain America, Damon - Thor, Stefan - Loki, Katherine - Black Widow, Eric - Iron Man, Sam - Hulk it would be epic and if you take so long to update next time I'll get Damon to spank you *Rogue blows a kiss and uses Edward's head to trip Bella and drags them both to Hell* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Charity: Hehehehe.

Damon: You might as well bend over now.

Charity: Hehehe! *Runs away*

Rogue: By the way VD is beginning to majorly suck how can neither Damon nor Stefan nor those creepy insect eyed Delena fans see that Elena is just like Katherine except Katherine's evil makes her sexy while Elena makes me wanna vomit. Damon is no longer as interesting Eric still tops you all cause he's EPIC.

Damon: Hey don't compare me to him. I'm a major badass while he's pussyed out verision of Thor! Yeah. I said it.

Eric: You say that now.

Damon: Get away from me. Each time you're near me I think I need to blow a rape whistle.

Eric: I already had you. Now I'm hunting bigger game.

Damon: *Narrows eyes* Who?

Eric: Don't worry about it. *Blows a kiss to Damon*

Damon: *Throws up* ...I think I puked out a rainbow.

Well guys it's the end of the show. Hope you enjoyed it. Since my internet has been off I've been enjoying my MMD (Miku Miku Dance) a little more and since it came back on I've been obsessed with it. I really, really love Len, Rin, Gumi, Luka, and Miku soooo much and in that for reading and I'll see you guys soon. Also I like to thank Vie for the idea. Peace.

Pam: Love.

Damon: Stay away from my brother!

Eric: Not him.

Damon: Stay away from my wife.

Pam: He's my maker Damon.

Damon: I had to try. Stay away from my pet!

Eric: *Smirk* Why should I do that?

Stefan: *Laughs* He cares for me.

Huh?

Stefan: Tell anyone I said that and I will kick you.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Grumpy.

Damon: Get your own got damn pet.

Eric: I do. *Looks Damon up and down*

Damon: That's it!

*Shakes head* Bye guys.

Damon: Where's a pencil!


	4. Salvatore, Damon Salvatore

Movies They Can't Do Together!

James Bond!

Damon: Hmm. This is my kind of world. *Holding a glass of Jack Daniels*

Stefan: You know that's suppose to be a marini.

Damon: Marinis are just for assholes who can't hold their liquid. Pfft trying to insult me, why are you here? It's James Bond not James Bond and his talking vegan dog.

Stefan: ...

Beep, beep, beep!

Damon & Stefan: Hmm.

Damon: Oh. *Takes out a cell phone from his pocket and answers it* Yolo.

Voice: ...

Damon: Oh come on I can say it once.

Voice: Boom!

Damon: Boom?

Stefan: Shit! *Grabs Damon by the collar and jumps out the nearest window*

*Both land in the water while the build blows up*

Damon: *Swims to the surface* Cool!

Stefan: *Pops up* Shouldn't we get leave...like now.

Damon: All we see is blood shed. Why can't we see shit blow up once in a while?

Stefan: *Swims away from him*

Damon: HEY! Don't ignore me!

* * *

*Walking down a hallway in a random building*

Sam: She is going to be pissed.

Damon: Like I never done that before.

Sam: You were suppose to stop the explosion, not watch it like fireworks!

Damon: You sound like him. *Points to Stefan*

Stefan: I am not your mom. Grow up a little won't you.

Damon: Pfft. Go suck a dick if it makes you feel better princess.

Stefan: *Twitch*

Damon: Besides, when don't I piss off judgey.

Sam: She's your boss.

Damon: She a bitch. Loveable but a bitch.

Stefan: *Mumbles* Dare you to say that right into her face.

Damon: No prob. Just show me to her office.

Sam: *Stops in his tracks* Just go through those doors. *Two huge doors*

Damon: What is this? Alice in Wonderland?

Sam: You'll see Bonnie, just don't get on her bad side...again.

Damon: Fine. Fine.

Stefan: *Shakes head*

Sam: *Yells behind them* Make sure she doesn't have a gun!

Stefan: I seroiuly doubt that.

* * *

Bonnie: *Twitches* WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO KEEP THE CASINO FROM EXPLODING!

Elena: Honestly what were you two thinking?

Stefan: I was thinking about getting this booze hound off the bar.

Damon: Snitch.

Bonnie: I'm getting a headache. *Rub the bridge of her nose* I have another mission for you and if you mess it up I'm going to have your head on a mantel. You hear me Damon!

Damon: Why are you only yelling at me?!

Bonnie: JUST GO! *Slams hands on desk*

Damon: *Mumbles under his breath and leave office*

Stefan: *Follows*

Elena: You're going to have high blood pressure.

Bonnie: Who do he think he is, Archer?

Elena: *Chuckles* You should be careful before he steals your heart again.

Bonnie: ...I whether be full on lesbian

Katherine: Called it!

Bonnie: ...

* * *

On a beach

Damon: Where is the bond girl?

Stefan: Pfft. Don't look now.

Eric: *Running down a beach in just a thong*

Damon: ...Oh look at the time we have to go.

Stefan: But don't you have a sex scene with Eric. *Laughs*

Damon: We're getting the fuck out of here. I don't care if he does have intell.

Eric: *Waves*

Damon: *Runs*

Stefan: Idiot.

Eric: Hey, why did he run for?

Stefan: He thinks you're a bond girl.

Eric: There nothing 'bond girl' about me. *Passes a piece of paper to Stefan* I'll get him later.

Stefan: Sure you would. Say hi to the real Bond girl for me.

Eric: Sure.

* * *

Damon: I think there is a snake on this train.

Stefan: There's no snake on the train.

Damon: Stefan...there is a snake on this train.

Stefan: I'm not fighting with you about this. We have so Russians after us!

Damon: Oh don't blame me!

Stefan: Really? Being balls deep in his wife didn't make him mad? Or was it when you had his daughter up against the elevator doors? Or when you fucked his mother against the car while he was still in it? I'm listening.

Damon: I was a busy man. He shouldn't get mad at me for that.

Russian guy 1: I found him!

Damon: *Pulls out a gun* I'm happy you found me.

Stefan: You will be the death of me. *Pulls out a gun* Really, you are going to be the death of me.

Damon: I hope it happens soon so i won't have to hear your bitching.

Russian guy 2-10: *Points gun at the Salvatores*

Russian guy 1: You really thought you could screw through my family and get away with it?

Damon: I mean, I left you're son alone.

Stefan: You really aren't helping.

Russian guy 1: *Pulls out a gun and points it at Damon's junk* So what is your name? I want to know the man who had the balls to fuck my whore of a wife, my lovely daughter, and my loving grandmother in the same day.

Damon: *Smirks* I mean, you should really ask you're wife, I mean she had my balls in her mouth so she should know.

Russian guy 1: *Frowns*

Stefan: Damn it Damon!

Russian guys: *Starts shooting*

*Five minutes later*

Russian guy 1: That arrogant asshole is dead.

Damon: Of really?

Russian guys: O.O! How are you alive?!

Damon: That's not the question. The real question is that we have twenty minute before the next stop and how many necks, limbs, and ribs or hell if any of you going to live after this? *Looks over at Stefan wiping off his suit* Can't you keep this off the books?

Stefan: ...*Sighs* This is are the guys we've been tracking down. She didn't say on what way to dispose them.

Damon: Good. *Looks at Russian guy 1* Oh you wanted to know my name? It's Salvatore, Damon Salvatore. Now *Shows fangs* let's have fun shall we?

* * *

It's Valentines day! Whoa yay! I'm going to stuff myself with chocolate!

Damon: Pfft. You don't even have a valentine's date.

Not true! I have Cookie and Precious as my valentine dates! Yay!

Damon: Pet parents are worst than real parents. This dumbass showed off pictures of those two.

Cute?

Damon: Annoying.

Stefan: Are you taking Pam anywhere?

Damon: *Twitch* Nope. I'm stuck with the kids, while Pam, Bonnie, Tara, and Elena having a Valentine's thing.

What about Katherine?

Katherine: I hate Valentine Day, President's Day, and any other day.

Why so crabby?

Castlie: Because I'm back.

Damon: Okay, what happened to the five character limit?

I only said that because you were dangling me over the lion's den in the zoo!

Damon: I knew I should had dropped you.

Sam: Wait did that really happen?

Damon told me he wanted to go to the zoo with me and i agreed to it, like an idiot. *cries* But when we got there he was acting so nice and then we got to the lion's den and he pushed me over the metal bar but I grabbed it and he laughed as the lions had gathered under me!

Damon: I should had broke your hand and made you fall.

Dean: That's cruel Damon.

Damon: Like you can talk.

Katherine: Leave me alone!

Castlie: Nope.

Katherine: You annoy me.

Castlie: Good.

Katherine: I love you.

Castlie: Great. *Grabs Katherine and kisses her*

Wow. Shouldn't we be starting the...

Katherine: *Takes off Castlie shirt*

Show?

Damon: *Covers my eyes*

I wanna see it!

Damon: Nope.

Insanity attack!

Insanity: ...

Three whips, two chains, and a box of gogurt!

Insanity: *Stabs self* No.

Two boxes of gogurt.

Insanity: Pfft. Fine. *Tackles Damon*

Damon: *Punches Insanity*

Insanity: ...*Evil smile*

O.o! I didn't mean rip him apart! I meant stab him in the chest!

Insanity: ...*Shrugs* Close enough.

Let's just start the show!

Rogue: Charity Charity Charity...

Damon: Can I spank her now?

Rogue: Here have The Walking Dead I''d say 100 strikes should be sufficient... *grins evily*

Charity: I don't want a zombie like bottom! *Runs while Damon chases her*

Rogue: Well that was awesome I think you should do Ted next I would love that Teddy bear to beat both Salvatores up.

Stefan: Why you be hating on us?

Rogue: Your show sucks - it's lost lots of ratings proving Delena isn't quite as wonderful as the delusional bug eyed Delena fangirls think - Delena fangirls can kiss my chocolate ass. I think Damon and Katherine might bring in the ratings. In the final book there are rumors Elena will sacrifice Damon because though Stefan dumped her cheating ass he is still standing by her through her 'Bad Times' and Klaus is resurrected and he is bringing back Katherine woooohooooo! So I can't wait to see the conclusion of VD the True Blood books will also conclude the last book is called Dead ever after and the cover features Sookie, Alcide, Sam, Eric and Quinn chasing each other around the globe and there are rumors that Bill might be killed off (Yipppeee).

Damon: Hey! Don't blame me, blame the writers for not getting it right. *Tugs on jacket* I'm a natural badass.

Rogue: *Narrows eyes* Damon you're just disgusting Dean is back to being kick ass Dean so I like him and Stefan more than you *Shoots Damon in the head*

Charity: O_O I thought you liked him

Rogue: I'm bipolar but I will love Eric and Pam no matter what!

Edward: Me tooo!

Eric: That's just sick...

Damon: You bastard! Don't look at my wife! *Kicks Edward in face*

Stefan: You stole Elena! *Throws knives at Damon*

Rogue: No one cares! Stefan should screw Rebecca and Damon should screw himself cause he's a moron!

Damon: Okay! Blame those asshole writers! *Mumbles* And I thought this one was bad.

Charity: HEY!

Rogue: The only reason they put Delena together was to improve ratings - they failed. I hope VD gets cancelled like Secret circle they both suck. Lost girl, True blood and Game of Thrones are far better. Heck anime is better than VD and they have hotter men... Byakuya Kuchiki *shivers* Trunks, Vegeta and I am attracted to Kenpachi in a warped way and not to forget Gray Fullbuster gotta love that ice mage and Zoro before he lost his eye...

Damon: At least you can touch me in real life.

RogueL Delena never got together in the books Damon keeps becoming creepy stalker guy loses his memory and stops following Elena like a puppy gets it back and becomes Elena zombie Damon again. On the bright side the producers say BAMON fans have been banging their doors down so they will be Bamon sometime later in the series. Bonnie and Damon do kiss in the book and she lets him drink from her too.

Damon: Why didn't I just die by the tree?

Stefan: We're tired of your commentary!

Damon: *Twitch* Shut up.

Rogue: Do I sense a bromance brewing between Eddie and Damon... could it be that Damon is showering his unrequited love for Stefan on Edward ... LOL

Damon: You TROLL!

Rogue: Never cared.

Pam: That's cold... I like it! To the backroom!

Damon: *Whines" But Paaaaammmmmm

Eric: I hate whining I will silence you *drops pants*

Damon, Stefan: *Run far away from Eric*

Rogue: Hey Charity where is Castiel! We need angel wings!

Sam: No we don't!

Rogue: You say something?

Sam: *Crickets chirping*

*Points in the corner* I they there having sex in the corner.

Dean: It's kinda awkward.

Rogue: Its time to go do some actual work now be good!

Bye! *Looks over at the corner*

Damon: ...STOP LOOKING!

I can't!

Veronica Mars : Heyyyy you're back! But I don't see my Edward... (frowns)

Edward: I'm over here!

Veronica Mars: The Matrix was good though... Rogue has good idea's ... sometimes all her other ideas are really bad, really expensive or really evil...

Damon: So true. My head is still healing. *Looks over at me*

What?

Damon: Idiot.

Veronica Mars: Off to part 2 :)

Alright! Why are you looking at me like that?

Stefan: Hey. Go stand by Eric.

Damon: What?

Stefan: Because I know what you are about to do and you won't do it if she's standing by Eric.

Damon: ...

Veronica Mars: Yup - see I told you some of her idea's were bad Damon and Stefan in Gone with the Wind silliest idea ever.

Damon & Stefan: Yep. We know.

Veronica Mars: What do you see in Len anyway... Even Rogue's precious Byakuya is better...

But he's so cute! If he didn't had a restraining order on me I would kid kidnap him and keep him in my basement forever, and forever, and forever...

Damon: I'm watching you!

Shut up!

Veronica Mars: I still don't see my Edward (Frowns... tears start to form)

Edward: I'M HERE! *Jumps up and down*

Veronica Mars: Page 3!

Do you think Ghost Adventures is good?

Stefan: What brought this on?

I'm just wondering because I like Ghost Hunters more than Ghost Adventures.

Sam: I say they both suck to tell you the truth.

Dean: At least the Hunters don't run after they tried to piss the ghost off.

Damon: Stop watching that type of stuff. It will rot your brain.

Edward: *Holding on to a cell phone* Kiss my ass Bella it's valentine's day.

Must be still taking it hard.

Everyone: *Nods*

Damon: Pfft. Don't care.

Veronica Mars: YAY Edward! (Jumps on Edward and squeezes him tight).

Edward: ...*Eyes light up*

Veronica Mars: (Still squeezing Edward) I love him! I am so much better that Bella whatsherface...

Edward: Yep. She's a bitch.

Veronica Mars: If only Edward were real...

Damon: Then the world would explode.

Edward: *Growls*

Veronica Mars: Leave Eric alone Damon! (Blushes) I saw that scene with Talbot... Eric has a nice bum... (blushes more)

Eric: *Smirks*

Veronica Mars: Don't hate me for it Edward! (Hugs Edward tighter and runs away)

Edward: ...

Veronica Mars: More Edward PLEASE and if You're doing movies you'll be doing Twilight again YAY :)

Yep. I'll be doing the Breaking Dawn soon.

Damon: Put me as Bella and I will kill you and your whole family.

Pfft. My family is crazy. Go try it I dare you.

Damon: Why do I believe you?

...It's not like I'd tried to kill them but let's just say that they are not dead.

Stefan & Edward: *Shakes head*

Okay. This is the end of the show but Happy Valentine's Day and if you don't have a valentine, *Grabs Damon's arm* then he can be your valentine!

Damon: Don't whore me off. I can do it myself.

Have a good day and thanks for reading and I would like to thank Rogue Assasin and Veronica Mars for reviews. Peace, love, and have a good Valentine's Day! Now say it Damon.

Damon: No.

Please!

Damon: No.

Please, I'll do anything you want.

Damon: You're going to regret saying that.

...

Damon: Be my Valentines.

Eric: Of course.

Damon: Get away from me.

Stefan: *Chuckles*

Damon:Don't laugh.

Eric: *Blows a kiss*

Damon: *Throws up*

Ah! My floor!

Sam: Bye guys.

Dude my floor!

Damon: Oh shut up!

Dean: *Sighs*


	5. Paranormal Birthday!

Movies They Can't Do Together!

Paranormal Activity!

Damon: Why do I have a camera?

Katie: You wanted to catch ghost stuff.

Damon: That's just stupid. We should make a sex tape and be done with it. Why the hell should we worry about ghost?

Katie: The psychic is on his way here. I don't want to be caught with my pants down.

Damon: Then he's the asshole who wanted to catch us in the act. You don't just walk into someone else's house without seeing people on the table fucking.

Katie: *Shakes head*

*Door bell rings*

Katie: Saved by the bell.

Damon: Pfft. Like the bell would save you.

Katie: *Walks over to the door and opens it*

Stefan: *Smiles* Hello. My name is Stefan Salvatore, and I'm a ghost doctor. *Walks in*

Damon: Hey! Stefan! What you doing here?

Stefan: I was called here by your wife.

Damon: *Jaw ticks* Why you acting like you don't know me?

Katie: Damon! Stop it.

Damon: You're my goody two shoed brother.

Stefan: ...No.

Damon: Yeah.

Stefan: No.

Damon: Yeah.

*A picture gets tooken off the wall and throwned across the room*

Stefan: Well fuck this I can't handle it. *Walks over to the door*

Katie: NO! WAIT!

Stefan: Call the Demon guy! *Slams the door behind him*

Damon: GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE AND SUFFER WITH ME DAMNIT!

* * *

Katie: *Crys*

Damon: Why are you crying for?

Katie: Because the ghost has been following me for years!

Damon: So. I had worst follow me for years. Broken heart, regrets, sadness, anger, and the fear that I will repeat my past mistakes.

Edward: *Walks past* TOO LATE BOTCH!

Damon: ...What I'm saying is that you shouldn't late the past haunt you, it's the future you have to worry about.

Katie: Um Damon.

Damon: What?

Katie: I really mean a ghost.

Damon: Fuck a ghost. *Feels himself be pushed* A! SHOW YOURSELF!

Katie: You're yelling at the air.

Damon: ...*Balls fist*Pussy ghost.

* * *

!Night 7!

Damon: I'm not going down.

Katie: Why not? I do it all the time!

Damon: And.

Katie: *Twitch* It's about time you go down! Be a man.

Damon: Don't take about being a man, miss that I have a pedo ghost haunting her!

Katie: I'm almost thirty!

Damon: As long as you're not two hundred years old he doesn't care.

Katie: I'm going to sleep.

Damon: ...Yeah.

*Hours later*

Katie: *Standing over Damon*

Damon: *Sleep*

Katie: O.O

Damon: ...

Katie: O.o

Damon: *Punchese her in the face*

Katie: BAW!

Damon: *Blinks a few times* Oh. Sorry. I thought...What were you doing watching me sleep?

Katie: O.O...Going back to sleep.

Damon: ...Alright I guess. You sure you don't want to go to the hosptial?

Katie: No. Sleep.

Damon: I mean I punched you. I'm surprised you still got your head.

Katie: *Walks to the other side of the bed and gets in* Stop being a dick.

Damon: Yeah. Whatever.

* * *

Damon: *Looks at the computer and shakes head* Katie, if you wanted me you could have just said so.

Katie: What are you taking about? *Walks over*

Damon: *Points at the screen* You doing the reverse cowgirl on me.

Katie: *Blushes* HUH!?

Damon: Oh the blowjob at the end was a nice touch. It would be nice if I was wake.

Katie: I don't even remember.

Damon: Sure and you don't remember standing over me the first half of the night.

Katie: ...

* * *

!Night 8!

Damon: You're not going to rape me again are you.

Katie: *Hits him in the face with a pillow* NO!

Damon: Good. At least wake me up!

Katie: SHUT UP!

Damon: Pfft.

*Two hours later*

Katie: ...*Slowly being pulled out of the bed*

Damon: *Sleep*

Katie: *Falls to the floor and wakes up* DAMON!

Damon: I'm trying to sleep! *Covers ears with pillows*

Katie: DAMON! WAKE UP DAMON!

Damon: *Gets up* WHAT!

Katie: *Being pulled out of the room*

Damon: ...Should I?

Katie: DAMON!

Damon: *Lays back down*

Katie: *Runs back into the room and slams the door behind her*

Damon: OH! I'm happy you're safe! Something pushed me back into the bed.

Katie: *Breaths heavily* I'm...calling...the demon guy! ...Something bite me!

Damon: Something is still on me! It's like a force field.

Katie: ...

* * *

Katie: I'm so happy that you came.

Dean: Happy to be of help. It's nice to hear from one of my old girlfriends.

Sam: *Rolls eyes* Must be like a billion on the planet.

Damon: What are these assholes doing here?

Katie: Its's been worst and they can kill whatever this thing is.

Dean: ...*Smiles*

Sam: Do we know...

Dean: *Elbows him in the side* We are here to help!

Damon: Right.

*Hour later*

Dean: We are done.

Sam: I still think Katie should go sleep at a hotel or something.

Damon: Why just Katie?

Dean: After affects. It would only effect her.

Katie: I think I want to stay here tonight.

Dean: Why not.

Sam: So Katie is the only one that's safe.

Dean: I would never put her into any trouble.

Sam: And what about Damon.

Dean: He's getting what's coming.

*Few days Eariler*

Dean: *Walks out a hotel room* We need to get a move on Sammy!

Sam: Where? *Walks out the hotel room*

Dean: To California or...something...

Damon: *Standing on Dean's car smoking a cigertte* I warned you bitch. Don't touch what's mine.

Dean: What the hell are you doing here Damon!

Damon: *Holds up a gas can* Revenge.

Sam: For what?!

Damon: Deany boy know. *Pours gas on the hood of the car and throws the gas can off to the side*

Dean: Son of a...

Damon: Move and this will burn down to the ground.

Dean: Asshole!

Sam: Why are you doing this?

Damon: I just want an apolzge.

Dean: I don't apolzge.

Damon: So much pride. *Takes the cigerette and hold it out* Say sorry and mean it, then I'll leave . Or the car gets it.

Sam: What is going on Dean?

Dean: Taah. I'm...sorry.

Damon: Good. *Let's the cigerette drop and jumps off the car* Good having bussiness with you. Let's not have this happen again.

Dean & Sam: *Watches the car catch on fire*

*Now*

Dean: Katie won't be hurt cause she's not there anymore.

Sam: Will someone be hurt?

Dean: *Smirks* Besides Damon? Nope.

Sam: Good.

* * *

!Night 9!

Damon: You seem funny. Not funny haha, funny I'm going to kill you.

Katie: No. No. I'm fine. See. *Holds up a bloody cross*

Damon: ...Yeah. I'm leaving. I even surprised myself when I stayed here this long. With the doors slamming every night, all the nights were you stand over me and the ghost guy that lives in the shower singing Lady gaga every five minutes...

Ghost guy: Can't see my, can't see my, no you can't see my poker face

Damon: SHUT THE FUCK UP! *Twitch* I'm leaving*

Katie: But you can't.

Damon: Like you can stop me. I'm a vampire!

Katie: *Hits him with a metal bat*

Damon: *Falls to the floor*

Katie: Can't leave. Can't leave here.

Ghost guy: Pa, pa, my poker face, my, my poker face!

* * *

Damon: *Wakes up in the bed* What was I doing? *Looks over* Where is that bitch.

Katie: DAMON!

Damon: *Jumps out the bed*

Katie: DAMON! *With evil demon voice*

Damon: *Trys to jump out a window but can't* Shit out of all the times to be unlucky.

Katie: DAMON!

Damon: Bitch you can call me all you want, I'm not coming down there!

*Silence*

Damon: *Runs over to the door, slams and locks it*

Boom, boom, boom!

Damon: ... *Moves away from the door*

*Door slams open*

Damon: You are kidding me!

Katie: ROAR!

Damon: *Grabs Katie by the neck and twists it*

Katie: *Body drops*

Damon: Should have done that a while ago. *Walks over Katie's body and goes down stairs* I better go find that bastard and kill him and brother too.

Boom, boom, boom!

Damon: Yeah, stomp up there all you like. *Opens the front door and sees a pair of red eyes* Shit.

* * *

Out of everything movie wise I have to say that my Favorite are horror films. From guys carrying chainsaw chasing a group of teenagers to little ghost girl that I swear that they are hiding in my closet. In the corner. The one that is always dark. I WILL NEVER GO IN THERE ALONE!

Damon: You're not even going to ask how I made it out there alive?

Not really.

Stefan: Even though I loved this chose...

Damon: *Flips Stefan off*

Stefan: Why do this one?

Because...

Damon: Blah, blah, blah her birthday and she wanted to torture me.

It's because you torture me everyday.

Damon: There is a difference it brings me pleasure, what you do is annoy the hell out of me.

Good. Now you know how I feel.

Dean: Happy Birthday! How does it feels to be twenty two years old in a few days?

I still can't believe I'm twenty old years old right now. Where's Sam, you two were connected to the hip lately.

Dean: He's getting your birthday present.

Hmm.

Stefan: So nice huh?

Edward: I brought one too but I'll wait until the Winchesters' are though. It seems to be a good gift. *Smirks*

Damon: *Narrows eyes*

Insanity: ...

Pam: Looks like I've missed nothing.

Bonnie: *Nods head*

Elena: *Holds up a card* Is something big happening here? I got invited.

Sam: Yep. *Drives in*

Damon: O.O!

Dean: It's her present.

Damon: What are you going to do to my car!

Sam: *Parks and hops out of the car* You'll see.

Dean: Sing with me! Happy Birthday to you!

Damon: ...

Dean: Happy birthday to you!

Damon: ...

Dean: Happy birthday dear Chi!

Damon: Leave my car out of it.

Dean: Happy birthday to you!

Sam:*Pulls out a slug hammer out of the car*

Damon: *Runs over to the car but is stopped inches away from it*

Sam: *Uses his free hand to pull a rock from his jean pocket* Bonnie this works great.

Damon: Bonnie can't do this. *Hits the barrier*

Bonnie: Says you asshole.

Sam: Revenge. Right? *Lifts up slug hammer and hits the door first*

Everyone: OOOHHHH!

Damon: I'm going to KILL YOU BOTH!

Dean: No you can't. Not in this terrioity. *Hugs me from behind* You know the rules, you can't kill me unless you're a fangirl, fanboy, or the writer.

Damon: *Twitch* Don't...touch...my...car.

Dean: So selfish. But it's sad to pull a 'Damon' to get my point across.

Damon: Stefan, talk some sense into these idiots before I lose my cool.

Does anyone knows what's going on here?

Dean: Damon destroyed my car and thought he could get away with it.

Damon: You took what was mine?

Katherine: *Walks in* ...*Walks out*

Castiel: Come back! The corner is free.

Katherine: *Walks back in*

Elena: This is tense.

Bonnie: Get on with it already! I'm running out of popcorn.

Dean: *Pulls out a remote* Sure.

Sam: *Steps away from the car*

Dean: *Presses the button*

*Car explodes like fireworks*

Wow pre...

Damon: Don't finish that. *Shrugs* Fine you killed my car... my favorite car. I can wait, oh, believe me I can wait. And I'm going to have fun waiting, thinking up ways to skin you alive and such. Start the show.

Wait. What?

Damon: Start it.

Shac89: Hey Chi I see Insanity is causing minor trouble for you so take,this the bull whip of obedience lash him a couple of times and he'll be under your control again and it is only for you to touch so have fun.

*Takes the whip* Okay.

Shac89: (Walks away laughing Maniacally and disappears in a black smoke cloud.)

...Thank you! Insanity!

Insanity: What?

*Hits with him with the whip*

Insanity: ...I love you.

I wonder if this will work on Damon?

Damon: Don't try it.

Aw! It could be your present to me! *Bats eyes*

Damon: No.

You're no fun.

Rouge: Heya peeps, Eric would have so made a better Bond...

Damon: Okay enough with the hating on me

Rogue: Wussy dick breath shut your ass and go sit in the corner with Stefan

Damon: No.

Charity: Are you sure you want to be pissing her off...

Damon: You can't make me do shit!

Rogue: *Cuts off Damon's head and legs and tosses his torso in the corner with Stefan*

Stefan: You got Damon on me...

Rogue: Not really giving a fuck *Looking at the corner* They're still at it like Rabbits... the vamp and angel are awesome! *snaps fingers and wears Team Eric cheerleading outfit*

Dean: Where my cheerleaders at?

Sam: *In Dean cheerleader costume* Right here baby

Dean: No!

Sam: But I thought...

Dean: No... 0_0

Sam: *Cries on the Chi a pet* Why doesn't he love me anymore!

Rogue: Well the VD script writers suck and so does the VD books ghost writer how the fuck can they take VD away from Smith that's her baby, fucktards I hope the pricks that stole her story get crabs and yeast infections and die.

Damon: My head.

Charity: What about your arms?

Damon: ...I'm best lookin arm less dude in the world, for right now.

Rouge: I haven't updated any of my fics since last year... I have zero inspiration seeing as VD no longer appeals to me I am seriously wanting to just take the stories down... But that's not my style I don;t want to just leave people who like my fic hanging so I'm am just going to grit my teeth and go with it.

Charity: I kinda lost the appeal of VD too. I remembered the old episodes and I use to watch them, waiting for the new episodes but I can't remember the last time I felt like that for the show. But as I read all the fan fic it reminds me of the old moments of the show or how the author views captives me to the point where I get that excited feeling again. So don't give up! I wanna keep reading your stuff.

Damon: Did not make sense. As usual.

Rogue:Stefan big ups for screwing Rebecca I bet she's better in the sack than Miss slut slut Elena.

Elena: Hey!

Bonnie: *Giggles* Thank God I am now into Alice

Charity: *Gasp*Stay away from my Alice I will gut you bitch!

Bonnie: And face the wrath of Bonnie and Bamon fans? I think not

Damon: She's right... So you and Alice... when did you get so hot...

Bonnie: When I popped your spawn out

Stefan: Where are all the kids anyway?

Damon: I left the Chi a pets sibblings to babysit

Charity: 0_o I hope they're still alive

Rogue: I am as high as a kite on flu meds right now so Chi a pet which movie next? Have you watched 'Mama' Yet? I still say Ted or the Avengers would be awesome.

Charity: I watched all of them and I loved them. But when I was watching Mama with my dad he was screaming like a little girl, literally. Someone in the theater yelled out if the little girl was scared then take her out of here.

Damon: And now I know where you're dumbassness comes from.

Rogue: Paranormal Activity 4 was hopeless they should just stop wasting money making another PA movie.

Stefan & Pam: Too late.

Rogue: Any Lost Girls fans here? I love Dyson and Kenzi 3

Damon: They aint got nothing on me...

Rogue: Yeah they do... they have better ratings.

Stefan: Burn!

Bonnie: You're part of the same show.

Stefan: I need a hug.

Rogue: Ask Veronica to hug you.

Edward: No.

Rogue: Aren't you sposed to be frolicking with Bella somewhere?

Edward: You don't have a soul

Rogue: Says Mr Sparkly Emo Vamp *Sets Edward alight and laughs while he runs around trying to put off the flames*

Charity: Stop drop and *gets hand put over her mouth*

Eric: No *Stares into Charity's eyes - Soul starts coming out*

Rogue: I agree with you about the tree Damon that was a creative way to die Elena just received her wings of destruction which she accidentally activated and caused the tree to fall with Bonnie in it but you got staked saving Bonnie and Elena hated the fact that you gave your life for Bonnie. It's the fucking publishing house that brought you back to life after taking VD away from LJ Smith. The original trilogy had Elena and Katherine die in the sunlight and that was the end, Bonnie started writing in Elena's Diary Stefan and Damon grew closer that was the best ending then they start a new trilogy and Damon got staked by a tree now they have their third and final trilogy. I will be really pissed if they pair Bonnie with Xander the snow white wolf... Maybe they will kill Stefan... Elena and Damon already died... but the other point they are sticking to is Stefan is Elena's true love Damon is like a plaything she can trample whenever she likes. Not that badass are you bitch boy

Stefan: You're cruel some day you're going to make Damon cry and then the Damon and Delena fans will come get you.

Rogue: Fuck em let em try

Rogue: You are right about the world exploding if Edward were real the twi moms would gut their twitard children and the women of the world would go to war all so they could get their eggs fertilized by the sparkly bastard and have mutant kids that rip their way out their mom's after 3 months. Hey Dean can I borrow your gun?

Dean: Show me you boobs first

Rogue: Fine *Stands behind Charity and flashes Charity's boobs at Dean*

Charity: HEY!

Dean: Good enough here.

Rogue: *Shoots Edwards sparkly dick off*

Everyone: 0_0

Rogue: If you're doing Twilight let Damon be Jacob... the bastard will always be the third wheel. Twilight had the biggest no war ever I wanted people dead; Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Edward, Bella and Jasper should have died. Alice and Emmet look way cuter together. Jacob, Seth and Leah should have kicked it too and the little hybrid monster with the fucked up name.

Charity: I never got the ending. If Alice was telling you what happened wouldn't you use that knowledge against them or it doesn't work like that?

Pam: Don't over think it.

Rogue: Okay peeps I need to sleep if I am ever going to recover.

Charity: We hope you feel better!

Edward: I don't.

Rogue: Bye my loves! Happy lose your virginity day!

Damon: Why do everyone blames me for the bad writing. If I was writing it there would be a happy ending...for me. If Elena wanted to be with my brother than fine, she ain't the only pussy in that town. I get over things, I don't sit around drawing heart in a notebook wishing for her to look my way. Bitch I make statement!

...Okay?

Veronica Mars: (Jumps on Edward) Hello my love! Hello to everyone else!

Edward: *Blushes* You have no idea how much I needed this.

Veronica: I would never hug Stefan that knockoff Edward he doesn't shine like a starry night in the son the way my Edward does!

Edward: Burn.

Stefan: *Twitch*

Veronica: I can't believe Rogue would say such a horrible thing about Nessie. its not her fault her parents were from different species... great... she just told me to fuck a goat and tell my kid when the other kids wont play with it that its not my fault we're from different species - really... sometimes she can be so mean!

Damon: *Laughs*

Pam: *Elbows him*

Veronica: Dean and Sam I don't think i have ever spoken to you guys but I have a question what the heck is a man of letters? it sounds like a code name for the gay geek club... (Shrugs and smiles) Edward will protect me if anyone tries to attack. Hi Eric (waves at Eric)

Eric: *Blows a kiss*

Sam: Gay club?

Dean: Like a guy who writes letters?

Veronica: Hey Chi why don't you do Narnia next or Avatar... bye (kisses Edward on the cheek) Sorry about Rogue blowing your man bits off I guess the great part about being a vampire is it will grow back...

Edward: Yep.

Oh Damon? What were you mad at Dean for?

Damon: I'm not telling you!

Why not!

Damon: You're annoying.

*Pokes out bottom lip*

Damon: Sorry. It doesn't work for me.

Meanie!

Damon: Keep talking.

Rogue: I love being evil - The Vampire Diaries books series is finally over wanna know what happens?

SPOILER ALERT!

Rogue: Elena: Elena then finds out her mother, Elizabeth, was an Earth Guardian and had another daughter named Katherine, who is really Elena's half sister and was the young, beautiful vampire that both Stefan and Damon had fallen in love with back in the 15th century. Elena finds out that her Aunt Judith isn't her real aunt and instead, was really her mother's best friend, whom she entrusted to be the legal guardian of both Elena and Katherine. After discovering her real background, Katherine and Elena become more understanding and tolerant of each other. Elena finally chooses Stefan to be her eternal life partner and mate. In order for Elena to live forever and spend an eternity with Stefan, Elena drinks some of the special water from the Fountain of Eternal Life and Youth. Stefan and Elena happily reunite and end up together.

Rogue:Damon: Damon is upset that Elena choose Stefan. Because of this, Damon becomes the old Damon again and begins to kill. Damon tells everyone that he is done with them and wants no part with their lives anymore. Damon watches over the only two people he cares about, Stefan and Elena. Elena and Stefan try to help Damon from succumbing deeper into darkness, but they don't initially succeed. Finally, Elena and Damon make a deal with the Guardians to save and preserve his life. In the end, Damon is back to normal. Damon tells Elena that they will always be good friends, will always be in love with her and that he understands that Elena will always love and choose Stefan no matter what. Damon tells Elena that he is ready to move on and live his immortal life as an adventurer. I say they should have killed Damon

Damon: ...

Rogue: Bonnie ends up with Xander WTF I hate that puny white werewolf bastard and Caroline has hybrid wolf baby twins. So Damon ends up alone - bastard deserves it.

Damon: *Twitch*

Rogue: Well so long VD True Blood has to have a better ending I will be sad and burn shit down if they kill Eric or Pam they can kill Bill they have hardly featured him in the books since Sookie dumped his ass.

Eric: *Laughs*

Rogue: So long my lovelies... and don't eat too many easter eggs... the tummy ache afterwards is so not worth it.

Pam: So true.

Damon: So I ended up being the loveable rag doll for Elena to play with? So I'm the Jacob in this thing. Next thing you know I will fall in love with Elena's kid?

I don't think that can happen.

Damon: So in all media they make me into Elena's love slave. Well fuck that! I'm making my own ending. I got rich off of owning my own porno studio. That's it, I'm done, short and sweet.

...

Edward: Oh. Here. *Hands over a box*

What's in here?

Edward: Open it on the fifth and find out.

Aaawaaw!

Stefan: So much fun all around.

Well it looks like we've reached the end of the show! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I loved writing it. I'm going to party it up for the whole weekend, going to Dave and Busters! Yay! I always wanted to go there! So I'm flipping happy! I want to thank you for reading and to also thank shac89, Rogue Assasin, and Veronica Mars for the reviews! Peace.

Pam: Love.

Damon: And a future full of revenge. You won't have that rock forever bitch.

Dean: Bring it on.

Damon: Bonnie cancel the spell!

Bonnie: Pfft. You don't control me. *Walks away*

Elena: *Shakes her head*

Sam: Bye guys.

Stefan: Pfft, so Damon gets screwed over in the book and i get screwed over in the show and Elena's just living it up.

Elena: Hey! Don't blame me for things writers did.

Stefan: Why didn't we just burn down Mystic Falls.

Because the real one was burnt down a long time ago and thought that it would just bring back sad memories.

Damon: Nope. Not true at all.

Just let me have my fun.

Damon: Nope!

Insanity get Damon.

Insanity: ...*Evil smirk*

Damon: *Runs*

Bye!


	6. Good guys wear blackwell some do

Movies They Can't Do Together!

Men In Black!

Stefan: Wow. Lookie what we have here.

Jason: Pfft. Damn pig.

Sam: *Taps on the car Jason's in* What's in the trunk Jason?

Jason: None of your business.

Stefan & Sam: *Shake heads*

Jason: I'm kidnapping Bella.

Stefan: *Sighs* Dude you are a good looking guy and you don't need to keep kidnapping teenage girls.

Sam: *Walks over to the trunk and opens the door*

Jason: Don't go back there. *Tries to get out of the car*

Stefan: *Pushes on the car door* Whoa. Where are you going, Vorheeds?

Jason: Get. Away. From. The. Fucking. Car.

Sam: Um, K?

Stefan: *Looks over at Sam then back to Jason* What.

Jason: Dumbasses!

Girl: AAAAAHHHHH!

Sam: What do I do!

Girl: GET THIS THING OUT OF ME!

Stefan: AGAIN!

Jason: My oldest daughter doesn't come visit me.

Stefan: SO YOU GET ANOTHER GIRL PREGNANT!

Sam: *Screams* SO MUCH SLIME!

* * *

Random guy: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

Damon: *Smirks* I thought you were going to be at work.

Random guy: *Growls*

Damon: That's what your wife said. *Wiggles eyebrows*

Random guy: *Face turns red* I'll kill you again! *Pulls out a gun*

Damon: Yeah, good luck with that.

Random guy: Then I'm going to call the cops!

Damon: *Pulls a badge out from his back pocket*

Random guy: O.o?

Random guy's wife: I love you Damon!

Random guy: Bitch get back inside! I'll deal with you in a minute!

Damon: So what are you going to do with the cop who fucked your wife?

Random guy: ...

Damon: Huh?

Random guy: This...*Transforms into a tentacle monster*

Damon: O.O!

* * *

Stefan: *Walks down the hallway* I can't believe T quit!

Pam: After what that man seen I don't blame him. When he was getting medical attention his mental state was shot to hell which one of his thumbs went as well.

Stefan: So I going to find another partner huh?

Pam: Yep.

Stefan: You fucked him already didn't you?

Pam: I never suck and tell.

Stefan: *Sigh* Ew.

* * *

Damon: Where the hell this this?

Elena: This is...

Damon: Have we slept together already?

Elena: Not in a movie. *Clears throat* Please, Mr. Sal...

Damon: Want too?

Bonnie: *Hits him with a baseball bat*

Elena: Was that?

Bonnie: Sshh. Let's go before he wakes up. We'll have someone drag him to the testing room.

* * *

Damon: *Wakes up* BAW~! *Looks around the room and sees other guys*

Aiden: He woke up.

Derek: Should had stayed asleep.

Eric: He has a cute ass.

Aiden: Yeah. *Takes a step from him*

Eric: Like that could ever stop me.

Damon: What am I here for?

Josh: We've here to take a test. See. *Waves a paper*

Damon: *Grabs the paper and rips it up then sets it on fire*

Josh: *Gasp*

Damon: I hate test!

Josh: Don't take it out on mines!

Damon: Sissy.

Bishop: *Walks into the room* Hello men.

Everyone expect Damon: Hello sir.

Damon: Yeah. Sure.

Bishop: You are all here to get a spot on the government best kept secret in the world. We...

Damon: Not really a best kept secret if your telling us.

Bishop: Aha. *Holds his hands behind his back* I hope none of you fail. *Looks at Damon*

Damon: Pfft. I never fail.

Bishop: Sure you won't. Let's go to the next room and keep this moving along shall we?

* * *

Stefan: So these are the replacements? To replace T, someone who isn't really replaceable?

Pam: Ahh! God stop asking questions, your voice hurts my ears.

Stefan: Says the harpy from planet bitch.

Pam: It's Planet Bitchness, okay. Besides, we found him.

Stefan: Who?

Pam: *Points at Damon through the little window* My future ex husband, who knows how to handle a gun.

Stefan: I don't like him.

Pam: You don't have to sleep with him, I will, again. But you just have to deal with him, train him so he can be like you Kay. Besides you may even like him, T didn't like you in the beginning.

Stefan: Fine.

* * *

Bishop: Mister Salvatore, out of all the shooting targets why did you shoot, stab, and break the cut out of Tiffany? What did Tiffany ever do to you?

Damon: She looked like a Jugdey little bitch.

Bishop: Really? Care to explain.

Damon: I would but I wouldn't see the point of it all. So...no.

Bishop: Hahaha! *Grabs his arm a twisted it. Making him fall to the floor*

Josh & Aiden: OH Shit.

Derek & Eric: *Shake heads*

Bishop: I like you. You're an asshole but we can beat that out of you if we choose you.

Damon: Let go of my arm asshole!

Bishop: *Laughs louder* Come on everyone let's go to the other room. I want to show you something. *Let's go of Damon's arm then walks out the room*

Everyone: *Follows him*

Damon: Goddamn it my arm! Fucking bitch...

Stefan: *Walks over and drags Damon by the collar from the group* Hello, my name is Kay.

Damon: And my name is bitch I can walk like a human.

Stefan: *Lets go of his collar* Let's go. We need to do things and to show you things.

Damon: What if I said no?

Bonnie: *Mouths out behind Damon* Can I hit him?

Stefan: Meh...Not right now.

Bonnie: *Mouths out* Call me when you do.

* * *

Stefan: Put your hand on the ball.

Damon: No.

Stefan: J. Put your hand on the ball.

Damon: Why couldn't you guys change my name to Captain McBadass.

Stefan: ...No. J.

Damon: Why do I have to put my hands on the ball?

Stefan: Because it's fun.

Damon: Wait...do I get powers?

Stefan: ...Yeah. Sure.

Damon: Fine. *Places hands on both sides of the ball*

Ball of doom: *Burns off prints*

Damon: ...

Stefan: J.

Damon: ...

Stefan: You okay?

Damon: ...

Stefan: I'll just take it as okay.

Damon: ...*Falls over and screams*

Stefan: Or not.

Damon: YOU FUCKING DICK WAFFLE!

Stefan: Yeah, you're ready for this job.

Damon: GOD!

* * *

Damon: My fingers.

Stefan: J. *Driving down the street*

Damon: My fingers.

Stefan: Well you destroyed most of Headquarters so you got your pity revenge.

Damon: I have no finger prints.

Stefan: I told you so.

Damon: No. You said I will get powers

Stefan: I lost T. For you.

Damon: Who the hell...

Stefan: Since you are new here, let me give you a few rules. Do not touch my radio, do not touch my hula girl and do not touch the big red button that is sitting between us.

Damon: Fuck you. Fuck your radio *Plays with the volume*, fuck your Hula girl *Molests the hula girl *...

Stefan: *Puts on a seat belt*

Damon: And most of all fuck your *Pushes the big red button*

Stefan: ….

Damon: See nothing …...AAAHHHHHH!

*Car moves really, really fast*

Damon: *Tries to grab the wheel*

Stefan: *Slaps Damon's Hand* Please be calm.

Damon: If I wanna go fast I'll do it myself!

Stefan: *Chuckles* I think we should start on a mission now.

Damon: DUDE WE ARE ABOUT TO DIE!

Stefan: Sorry I thought you didn't give a fuck.

Damon: DUDE!

Stefan: *Boredly* Oh no a brick wall.

Damon: SHIT!

* * *

Damon: *Lets out a breathe* K. Is this 'mess with Damon' Day?

Stefan: Nope. It's mess with 'J' Day.

Damon: Fuck you.

Stefan: *Looks him up and down* Meh. *Walks away*

Damon: HEY! GET BACK HERE!

Edward: Haha, dead body! *Draws on the side of the dead man's face*

Stefan: Hello?

Edward: Um, are you related to this body in anyway?

Stefan: No.

Edward: Then what are you here for and I totally wasn't touching the naughty bits.

Damon: …

Stefan: We're from the FBI, I'm Clark, and he's...

Damon: Kent.

Stefan: *Glares at Damon*

Edward: Hi Clark, Kent. What can I do for you?

Damon: Well you can stop that cat from eating that man's nose.

Edward: HEY! *Shoos the cat* Sorry about that, he's was with the dead body and he wouldn't move so I decided to take him in.

Stefan: What's his name?

Edward: Your momma.

Damon: Really?

Edward: Sad isn't it. At first I thought the cops where playing with me.

Stefan: We are here to get a report on the body and then we will be on our way.

Edward: Sure and stuff but don't you wanna leave for a minute and things.

Stefan: ...What is this a movie parody?

Edward: Well...

* * *

Stop breaking the forth wall!

* * *

Edward: *Sigh* Don't you have to figure out that, that guy laying the the slab is an alien prince and that the thing you're looking for is on that cat and the bug thing is going to kidnap me.

Damon: If you knew all this stuff why didn't you just stop it?

Edward: Because the bug guy is going to kidnap me. *Points behind them*

Damon & Stefan: *Both turn around then gets knocked over*

Bug guy: *Runs over and picks up the cat and Edward* OM NOM NOM! HAHAHA! *Runs off with Edward*

Edward: *Yells back* HE'S TAKING ME TO THE OBSERVATION TOWERS AT THE NEW YORK STATE PAVILION SO HE CAN GO HOME AND LET THE PRINCE'S PEOPLE KILL US!

Damon: HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

Edward: IT'S CALLED THE 90's! ASSHOLE!

Damon: Well he's/she's doom.

Stefan: The whole world will end if we don't hurry and get that orb.

Corpse face: *Moves*

Damon: ….Hell no. *Walks away*

* * *

Stefan: *Rubs forehead* You kill the bug guy.

Damon: Yep.

Stefan: Using the hostage as a weapon.

Damon: Yep.

Edward: Fucking asshole.

Stefan: I quit. I give up on this world. *Tries to walk off but Damon holds on to his arm*

Damon: *Evil smirk* K please, I'm going to make you suffer like I did.

Stefan: I alright suffered when that bug ate me.

Damon: Oh, Steffie I'm going to make your life miserable as we work side by side.

Stefan: How do you know my name?

Damon: *Smirk*

Stefan: Pam.

Damon: Yep.

Edward: Is no one going to help stop the bleeding here! *Holding his leg*

Damon: ...Bye.

* * *

So that's it.

Damon: It was way bloodier.

Stefan: He beat the bug with Edward.

Edward: You know what. I'm waiting and making a list of everything you do to me so when you least expect it I'll will let my rage rain down on your head Damon. I will make Beilbers look like little angry puppies when I'm through with you bitch.

Damon: Yeah. Have run with your "Rampage" Jodie Foster.

Edward: I'm coming for you.

Damon: Okay! You act like I never heard that before. Let's get this show going and shit.

What's wrong with you, grumpy?

Damon: Who's Julian?

….*Clears throat* N...no one.

Damon: *Holds up a piece of paper* Who is Julian Bowers, Rob Stark, Jon Snow, Jake, Joanna, and the blond woman with the dragons.

W...w...well, look, see. Shit.

Damon: *Pulls out a lighter and burns the paper then smiles* I'm going to kill you. Really slowly.

Pam: *Shakes head*

P...pam! Help.

Pam: *Shrugs*

NOOOOOOO!

Damon: ….*Let out a breath* Let's start the show!

Dean: Um, did I miss something?

Just the usual death threats. *Gulp*

Shac89: ( A Fissure opens up spewing black smoke and Lava and then a giant black scaled Basilisk slithers out. Just then the Serpentine Monstrosity explodes in a black light, and Shac89 appeared with a mischievous smile on his face.)

*Blinks* Why can't I ever do that?

Damon: Because you're stupid.

Aw.

Shac89: greetings Chi I see the whip was a success. Now for the torment to begin, first lets have Sam and Dean fight Stefan and Damon, but Dean and Sam will be Lucifer and Michael.

Dean: You heard the man.

Sam: *Evil smirk*

Stefan: This is already a bad.

Damon: Stop being a pussy. I need to take so stress...*Gets punch in the face by Sam*

Sam/Lucifer: Come on Damon. I choose you first but I guess I chose wrong.

Damon: *Takes off jacket and throws it at Edward*

Edward: Hey! I ain't you're hanger!

Stefan: *Shakes head*

Shac89: Castiel will take is half breed children to Disney World, and Pam will,take Insanity to the torture room for some "fun" with Chi also.

Yay!

Damon: NO!

Dean/Micheal: GLOWINGSWORDSSAYWHAT!

Damon & Stefan: What?

Dean: *Smiles*

*Skips towards the room* Be back guys!

Sam/Lucifer: *Splits the ground in two*

HEY!

Sam/Lucifer & Dean/Micheal: WHAT!

Clean my room when you get done!

Dean/Micheal: Yes ma'am.

Sam/Lucifer: Who is this bitch, my mother?

* * *

Damon & Stefan : *Groans*

Sam: We were easy on them.

I think I see Stefan's spline over here!

Stefan:Just don't kick it. Okay.

Damon: I would but I can't really move much.

Dean: Haha.

Veronica Mars: Yay I'm here before Rogue!

Edward: Good times.

Veronica: (Hugs Edward tight) Promise you will never frolick with Bella ever.

Bella: I'm right here! Jerks.

Edward: Arug.

Veronica: I feel sad for Damon, I am not a Vamp Diaries fan but after Bonnie's sexy danger guy comment I really hoped they would hook up. One the bright side being an adventurer will be awesome Damon think of all the cool places and exotic women you would get to meet and you wouldn't have to put up with the knock off Bella (points at Elena).

Elena: Hey! One I was here first and two, I'm a bad ass now.

Veronica: I think its weird that Elena and Katherine are now half sisters. Maybe the best ending would have been Stefan gets Elena and Damon and Katherine reconcile because in the books the brothers hate each other because they blame each other for Katherine's suicide and when Katherine does return its a surprise for both Damon and Stefan. She loves Damon more in the books... well I'm glad that over.

Katherine: Meh.

Damon: Don't start.

Edward: Why are you being nice to him!

Veronica: I just like looking at the bright side I think if we are positive then the world is a better place.(Kisses Edward on the cheek) Bye everyone. I love Edward!

Edward: *Sighs*

Damon: Pedo bear!

Edward: Like you can talk.

Damon: ...Yeah.

Rogue: Happy Birthday Chi a Pet! Here have all these hot Anime men on me! *Snaps fingers and all the hot anime men appear shackled one after the other* You can only use em once then the go back to their world... You should start with Heiei first you know shortest to tallest. Here this is a 'Kick ass' ticket I will kick the ass of any person whose blood you drop on it to activate the card.

Charity: *Looks over at Damon*

Damon: You better stay over in the lollipop guile woman.

Katherine: I'm watching you...

Castiel: Your eyes should be on me...

Katherine: I'm multitasking.

Rogue: So they're going to have a spin off show from VD called 'The Originals' I think that would do way better than VD in any case... You read my stuff Chi I am flattered :D. I liked VD when Damon didn't give a fuck I did like the moment he and Bonnie were hugging in the forest... it was so cute. The annoying thing about VD is they take these 2 week breaks after every 3 episodes - idiots!

Charity: It seems like every show is doing that. Got damn Scandal! I fricken waited for you and you just give me three episodes! You fricken dick hats! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Damon: So scary. *Rolls eyes*

Rogue:So Chi what did you get on your BDAY? Any sexy gifts? *Rogue winks at the Chi a pet*

Charity: *Blushes*

Rogue: LOL he really screamed like a little girl during mama? I bet you wanted to sit several rows away from him. This is why i don't let my parents go to public places, they must stay home and do my bidding bwaahhahahahahaha!

Eric: ...I can see it.

Where do you be at?

Eric: I just come and go. Like the wind or a random person on Vampire Diaries.

Damon: *Growls*

Stefan: Burn!

Damon: You're from the same show.

Stefan: Like I give a shit.

Rogue: Well tomorrow is Monday another start to another boring ass work week why can't wee be the naked hairless apes God intended us to be. I want to  
live in a civilization of nudists.

Pam: She's going to get you for being late.

Charity: *Sighs* I know.

Rogue: Don't try to wrap your mind or understand Twilight - it's a trap, the more you try to understand itthe more your braincells die until you turn into a twitard with drool falling out your mouth going "edward good", "I love Edward"

Veronica: HEY!

Charity: Yeah! My Edward looks like Julian Bowers!

Edward: Charity *Snaps fingers in my face* I look like Robert Patterson.

Charity: ...Aw!

Bella: I know right.

Edward: Very funny, till the fangirls come.

Rogue: Shut up *Looks at Cas and Kat in the corner* It's a no brainer we're going to need a name for a third angel vamp child... if its a boy then CJ for a girl hmmmmmmm Katie yeah!

Katherine: Meh.

Rogue: Oh yes a man of Letter's is what Sam and Dean's paternal grandfather was, it does sound like a gay club but the men of letters were actually quite powerful until a Demon possessing their grandmother wiped out all the men of letters. Sam and Dean finally have a home in this sort of hideout place the men of letters used. Dean was so cute when he was buying groceries and stuff he's really into the we actually have a home thing.

Charity: Aw.

Dean: *Blushes*

Rogue: I don't think you will fall for Elena's kid Damon firstly the kid would be your niece or nephew unless Elena being the whore she is screws Matt and secondly VD vampires don't have living sperm unless they're in this wonderful world that Chi created in which case beware of Damon's sperm.

Charity: Unless they make Elena have a magical womb or turn them human. Magical womb babies. That have angel wings and demon eyes and ...

Stefan: Please stop.

Rogue: Stefan you are right lets just burn down Mystic falls with Elena in it.

Katherine: I'll come help you.

Stefan: Now let's get a shit ton of gas.

Bonnie: You've been kind off distant from your husband.

Pam: *sighs* Yeah

Eric: *Yawns* She's pregnant

Damon: O_O

Chi: Neuter the bastard!

Damon: How many kids do I have now? *Counting in his head*

STOP SPREADING YOUR SEEDS MAN! I bet every kid in the world now has some tie to you.

Damon: But I'm doable.

Dean is too!

Damon: Take it back.

Nope.

Damon: Take it back.

Nope! I will do Dean...

Dean: Again.

Julian Bowers, Rob Stark, Jon Snow...

Damon: *Holds up a knife* Look I found this lying around. Wonder how am I going to use this little thing here.

Well then...*Runs*

Damon: You should know by now.

Stefan: *Shakes head* We want to thank everyone for reading and we also want to thank Shac89, Veronica Mars and Rogue Assasin for reviews. Peace,

Pam: Morning sickness.

I don't want to die today!

Damon: You talk about neuter how about we give you one, but for your guts!

Sam: Bye guys!

Insanity attack!

Insanity: I love you! *Chases after Damon*

Damon: *Turns and runs away* DAMN IT!


End file.
